Our New TaskBezos Offerings | Points in Case

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Thank you so much for your support of TaskBezos, the boutique home improvement service where you can hire Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos for small household jobs! Unfortunately, due to overwhelming demand (and the fact that our handyman is now worth over $163 billion)¹ we have modified our offerings to reflect a more current rate. Please see the below list of updated services:

Laundry and Dry Cleaning (2 Hours): $23,000,000.00

The appliances? High-end. The detergents? Selected by Bezos himself. The experience? Tailored to you. Yes, that’s right: With our newest TaskBezos service, Jeff Bezos will wash, dry, and fold your laundry (one time). Indulge! Take this boring weekly task off your hands and get back to enjoying the simple things in life, like yachting or buying a Warhol through a shell company.

Attempted Mirror Installation (1 Hour): $11,500,000.00

Mirror mirror on the… floor? Not for long with this deluxe 1-hour mirror installation (attempt)! Spend one full, glorious hour watching Jeff Bezos look at your wall, make some pencil marks, and maybe get the mirror up (we’ll see). Feel free to strike up an awkward conversation about Amazon, your own startup idea, anything! Transporting Jeff Bezos to your place of residence requires additional fee (upon request, based on travel time).

Making Avocado Toast (20 Minutes): $3,833,000.00

A millennial staple, you haven’t lived until you’ve sampled Jeff Bezos’s signature avocado toast! Jeff will ship you a slice of his signature recipe, made over the course of 20 extremely artisanal minutes. Sources say: it’s worth going into debt over!

Reading A Magazine Article (5 Minutes): $958,330.00

Prepare to be transported by the power of journalism! For the cost of a pretty darn nice beach house, Jeff Bezos will take five minutes out of his day to read a hand-selected, weirdly complimentary magazine article about Amazon and how the workplace culture there is totally fine. Additional consulting fee to remind Jeff Bezos that a “magazine” is what people used to read before ebooks: $45,700.00.

Breathing (3 Seconds): $12,728

Our most relaxing offering, you can commission Jeff Bezos to breathe in and out—deeply and contentedly—once, on your behalf. Optional exhalation themes include: Soothing Massage, Amazon Studios Emmy Win Visualization, and Tesla Stock Just Dropped.

Blinking (1/3rd of a Second): $1,060.67

The eyes are the windows to the Bezos! A great placement for small brands, sponsor a single blink to get those tissues nice and moist! Recipients of this package will receive a commemorative video of the blink and have their names written in the Big Book of Bezos Blinks by an Amazon employee paid $15/hr. Sadly, this does not cover Jeff Bezos speaking about your brand in any way, but we’re sure he’s thinking it really hard!

Visual Processing (1/20th of a Second): $159.10

For the low, low price of $159.10, Jeff Bezos will register a piece of visual information of your choice, sending it up the ocular pathway to the brain. From that point on, it’s up to you! Note: Eye to cortex only.

Firing One Neuron (1/200th of a Second): $15.91

For slightly more than one month of Amazon Prime, Jeff Bezos will create an action potential at a single synapse in the brain, ideating part of a thought, a half a sensation, or maybe a spontaneous word fragment like “rrggg.” It’s not much, but let’s be honest, this is the one you can actually afford. Oh and we’ll donate some of the proceeds to charity or whatever.

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¹ (Rates are based on Jeff Bezos’ actual reported 2018 earnings of $275M/day.)

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Remembering Michael Caine: Not Dead Yet, But It’s Still Nice To Be Thought About From Time To Time

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The Best Podcasts Of 2018

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The Promise: This stark look at urban public housing asked its listeners to consider why podcast hosts are pretty much the only ones trying to examine social problems.

The Daily: Host Michael Barbaro offered 20-minute snapshots of the most important stories of the day to help listeners ruin their commutes.

The One Your Friend Keeps Recommending, But You’ll Probably Never Listen To: Oh my God, it’s this incredible storytelling thing that you would love. At some point we’ll send you the link to a few of the best episodes. We seriously wish we were you so we could hear it for the first time again. Let us know what you think when you listen to it.

Caliphate: The New York Times scored a surprise hit with this podcast informing listeners how to join the Islamic State.

Corn On The Pod: Former Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack’s podcast spinoff of his popular blog takes listeners on a weekly journey through the world of corn. Vilsack talks to corn luminaries like breeder Anton Garin in some of the most insightful conversations on corn you’ll ever hear.

A Very Fatal Murder: Here’s the link.

Slow Burn: This hit political show was the much-needed 86th rehashing of the Lewinsky scandal.

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Kotex Introduces New Confetti Popper Tampons For Ringing In The New Year

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IRVING, TX—Calling the feminine hygiene product the perfect way to usher in 2019 with comfort and style, Kotex introduced their new line of Confetti Popper Tampons Friday to help ring in the new year. “When the clock strikes midnight, simply pull the string on one of our sleek, slim Confetti Popper tampons to join the festivities without worrying about what level of flow the new year might bring,” said Kotex CEO Thomas J. Falk, explaining that a charge of compressed air inside the tampon launches a colorful and highly-absorbent blend of streamers and confetti into the user’s body. “With comfortable insertion and a festive noisemaker removal, there’s no better way to tell the world, ‘2019, here I come!’” At press time, Kotex had issued a recall of the product after hundreds of complaints of toxic shock syndrome caused by the tampon’s glittery “Happy New Year!” banner accidentally unfolding while still inside their bodies.

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Blame Assigned for National Internet Outage

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Chicago, IL – (satireworld.com)

The national internet outage that affected several carriers/providers for internet and cell phone service has been blamed on several factors:

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Quiz: Are You Rupert Holmes’s Lady?

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1. You are getting ready for work and you hear the meteorologist say there is a 100% chance of rain this morning. Which of the following best describes the correct sequence of what happens next:

A. You decide to walk to work and you “forget” your umbrella. You get caught in the rain and you like it. You arrive to work drenched. Feigning misery, you spend the rest of the day talking about how soaked you are from getting caught in the rain on your walk to work.

B. You call your best friend Denise and ask her to pick you up and drive you to work so you don’t get wet. You and Denise stop at a bar called O’Malley’s on the way to work for a piña colada breakfast. You go to work dry but inebriated. Cindy in Human Resources tells you to go home and that if this happens again you will get a warning placed in your file.

C. You ask Rupert to drive you to work. Rupert, upset that his routine is disrupted, calls you a worn-out recording of a favorite song. You, upset by Rupert’s callousness, call Denise crying. Denise convinces you to call in sick to work and you and Denise spend the day frolicking in the rain and you like it.

D. You decide to walk to work and you “forget” your umbrella. Invigorated by the prospect of getting caught in the rain, you have an extra spring in your step and thusly, you notice that you wore your best shoes today and mustn’t get caught in the rain. You wore your best shoes because you have that presentation for the marketing people from the Omega Corp. You run home just before the skies open and then you drive to work and pay extra to park in the attached parking garage.

2. You are at your nephew’s bar mitzvah and Rupert “reluctantly” agrees to sing “Escape (the Piña Colada Song)” for the guests. Which of the following best describes the correct sequence of what happens next:

A. You sprint to the stage before Rupert can. As guests look at you aghast, you do the jerk off motion with your hand and say, “I’ve got your piña colada right here Rupert!” You run out of the hall where the bar mitzvah is being held. You call Denise to pick you up and you go to a bar called O’Malleys.

B. You stagger to the stage before Rupert can. As guests look at you aghast, you do the jerk off motion with your hand and say, “I’ve got your piña colada right here Rupert!” You fall off the stage. You wake up in bed later that evening next to Rupert who is reading the personal ads in the newspaper.

C. You defiantly walk to the stage before Rupert can. As guests look at you aghast, you do the jerk off motion with your hand and say, “I’ve got your piña colada right here Rupert!” You see the sadness on Rupert’s face and realize you have been taking him for granted. Again. You let Rupert “reluctantly” sing his song to the crowd’s delight and then you and Rupert leave the bar mitzvah to go make love in the dunes of the cape.

D. You squeal with delight that you are at the same bar mitzvah as the guy who sings “Escape (The Piña Colada Song).” You push your newly bar mitzvahed nephew into the buffet table as you sprint to the stage. You sing along and sway in that way that enthusiastic concert-goers do. You go back to your table to finish your cake but you have to leave because your nephew chipped a tooth on the buffet table and everyone is mad at you.

3. You walk into a bar called O’Malleys at noon to find the someone who responded to your personal ad. Which of the following best describes the correct sequence of what happens next:

A. Without even scanning the bar to see if the classified ad man is there, you take a seat at the bar and order a Jameson’s. You are initially repulsed by the gin blossoms on the nose of the man sitting next to you. But you strike up a conversation with him nonetheless and he asks you if you want to go make love in the dunes of the cape. You leave with the old gin blossom-nosed man.

B. You order a Jameson’s while scanning the bar for the classified ad man. You are shocked to see Rupert in the corner of O’Malley’s but he doesn’t see you because of the way the waitress station is situated. Distraught by Rupert’s putative infidelity, you leave and call Denise. You and Denise go get coffee at a coffee place across town called Central Perk and you go home with a paleontologist named Ross Geller.

C. You order a Jameson’s while scanning the bar for the classified ad man. You see Rupert in the corner of O’Malley’s he doesn’t see you because of the way the waitress station is situated. Confused, you leave and call Denise. You and Denise go to a bar on the outskirts of town called the Boar’s Nest where you find two good ole boys named Bo and Luke Duke and, having flipped a coin to determine who gets Bo and who gets Luke, you and Bo make love at midnight in the back of the General Lee.

D. You get there first and order a Jameson’s. Rupert walks in and approaches you and you laugh at the odd coincidence and then Rupert asks why you ordered a Jameson’s and not a piña colada. You tell Rupert that he is too controlling. Rupert causes a scene and leaves and the bartender asks if you are ok and you make a jerk-off motion indicating that you are finally done with Rupert.

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Answer Key:

Mostly As: Congratulations! You used to be Rupert Holmes’s lady, but you got really into health food and so Rupert discarded you. Also, you should go see Cindy in Human Resources about wellness options the company provides like standing desks and discounted gym memberships.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations! You are definitely Rupert Holmes’s lady!

Mostly Cs: Congratulations! You don’t know it yet, but you are on the verge of becoming Rupert Holmes’s lady!

Mostly Ds: Congratulations! You are not Rupert Holmes’s lady but your friend Denise is!

No Duplicate Answers: Congratulations!! You are the waitress at O’Malleys!

List submissions are now accepted. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.

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Report: Santa Gives More Presents to 90210 than All of Bolivia

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According to the just-released rundown of X-mas booty worldwide, children residing within the 90210 zip code of the affluent enclave of Beverly Hills raked in a total of $32 million worth of presents and goodies from Santa Claus this year, eclipsing the total haul of the landlocked South American nation by $3 million.

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The Making of Fantasy High

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From miniatures to minotaurs, Brennan and the crew relay what it takes to make Fantasy High a reality.

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The Most Indifferent Animals At The Petting Zoo This Year

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Stop Giving TV Shows Confusing Names and Use My Much Better Ones Instead

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Humans. We’re one of the only species on Earth that name our television shows, and yet we are still terrible at it. Thus, I have taken the liberty of listing every single television show, why its name is confusing, and better names for it.

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Sons of Anarchy

Too roundabout—your TV show should never make me think more than thirty seconds about what it could mean. Be straight and to the point!

Improved Titles:
– Anarchy Is Our Dad
– Motorcycle Friends

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The Price Is Right

This one is perhaps the most baffling to me—in this show contestants are nearly always getting the price wrong, the notorious opposite of right.

Improved Titles:
– Cheering With Strangers
– A Microwave For Tabatha?

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Good Morning America

Extremely presumptuous. I work the graveyard shift at the old roller rink with my cousin Toad, and when we return to our full-sized bed we can only fall asleep to Michael Strahan’s wacky hijinks.

Improved Titles:
– Good Night Sean & Toad

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Full House / House of Cards

These shows sound similar and like they’re about cards, but really they couldn’t be more different and less about cards. In one, a never-ending carousel of children torture Bob Saget, and the other is about how much Kevin Spacey sucks.

Improved Titles (Full House):
– Everybody’s Here!
– The Hirsute Uncle
– House of Cards

Improved Titles (House of Cards):
– The Robin Wright Spectacular Extravaganza
– How A Bill Becomes…A Flaw (Whoa)

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American Horror Story

This show is crazy town!

Improved Titles:
– Crazytown

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Maniac

I haven’t seen this yet but my coworkers love talking about it with my boss, leaving me to double check all of the roller skates for bugs. They’re getting valuable face time with him as they vie for the coveted arcade manager job. It’s nothing but cutthroat office politics at the roller rink.

Improved Titles:
– Sean Why Don’t You Come Hang Out Instead Of Double Checking For Bugs (SWDYCHOIODCFB)

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West World

This title could not be more vague. West? World? You’ve lost me.

Improved Titles:
– Beep Boop Yeehaw
– Hot Hardcore Banging Blondes XXX [HD]

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Game Of Thrones

This entire show is confusing to me and frankly needs to be made a lot simpler. Instead of six hundred characters who we all hate, there should be one main character, who is nice, and maybe some guests, who are also nice. And instead of being about geopolitical conflict in a fantasy world, it should be about something everyone can understand, like food.

Improved Titles:
– The Rachael Ray Show

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Dancing With The Stars

My cousin is getting tapped for assistant arcade manager. It turns out that when we got home from our night shift, after I fell asleep to Good Night Sean & Toad, he would stay up to watch SWDYCHOIODCFB.

Improved Titles:
– Beating Up My Cousin

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Masterchef Junior

This one is fine

Improved Titles:
– None

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.

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