Where I’ll Meet My Soulmate, According to Romantic Comedies

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I grew up watching all of my favorite movie stars fall in love on camera with smokin’ hot dudes in almost too-perfect-to-be-true love stories.

Or so I thought, right up until I realized: Wait! That could be me. One of these meet-cutes would definitely be how I’d end up with the love of my life. And, sure, I’ve been called “delusional” or “crazy” or even “a menace to public safety” by the legal systems of California and New Mexico, but I’ve made it my life’s mission to find true love—and I’ve got all the best places to look for it!

Airports

There’s nothing more classic than an airport love scene. Unfortunately for me, my job doesn’t require me to go to Paris for a really big meeting or hop on a flight to Thailand for a different really big meeting, so I had to improvise. I spent six months camped out at the San Francisco International Airport, waiting for someone, literally anyone, to come declare their love for me. So far? We’re still waiting.

Other people’s weddings

After burning through my friends, coworkers, and distant relatives, I still hadn’t met the love of my life at a rehearsal dinner on a boat. But, like my court-appointed therapist told me, I’m not one for giving up. That’s why I decided to start crashing strangers weddings. No groomsmen? No problem! Find a stray plus-one and make a move on him before his date gets back!

Eat-Pray-Love-style solo vacations

Initially, I was suspicious of this one. Me, alone, backpacking the Pacific Crest Trail exactly like Cheryl Strayed did that one time but totally different because I was looking for a man? It seemed too good to be true. I set out for a three-month solo-trip only to discover I actually hate hiking—go figure. I ended up chilling at a trailhead in Oregon for a week or two looking for my rugged, man-bun wearing soulmate until a run-in with a grizzly bear put it to an end. Turns out bears will chase you, just like my future husband will too.

High school reunions after my glasses-come-off-and-wow-she’s-hot-now transformation

First things first, I don’t wear glasses. In fact, I have 20-20 vision, probably because my parents want me to be sad and alone forever. But, if your family loves you, you’ve definitely inherited terrible vision and can pull this off. Hot tip: show up drunk to your high school reunion, in a dress from Hot Topic, whip your glasses off, and shout “I still love you, Michael!” as public safety drags you away. He’s totally going to text me back any day now.

Anywhere it is raining

Looking for your perfect man? Try wandering around New York City in the pouring rain, pretending you’re a beautiful lost tourist in need of directions. When an attractive eligible bachelor tries to show you Google maps on his cell phone, grab it and run. On one hand, it’s theft and a small felony, on the other hand—now you’ve got his number! Send him a flirty text like, “how’s your weekend going?” or “thinkin’ bouchta” from inside your holding cell.

Trains

Long train rides are the perfect place to lock eyes with a beautiful stranger who will later father your three charming children. Sure, you could play it safe and read a romantic novel on a long train ride across the French countryside, or you could be confident and bold—no one ever fell in love playing it safe anyways. Spend years going through rigorous training to receive your license in train operations, become a conductor, and hit on all of your passengers. Is that Michael from high school boarding now? This is your chance!

Just remember: whatever hot spot you pick, you’ve got to commit to the part—take it from an expert, it’s the only way you’ll fall in love.

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Items that the Hip, Gentrifying Café Sells

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Are you attending a birthday party, a Christmas Dinner, or a Bar Mitzvah? Bread & Writer café does not want you to own something that is a little bit (sorry to use the “m” word) mainstream!

At Bread & Writer, innovation, affordability, and practicality are the biodegradable fuel that drives our café’s engine, which is clean-energy of course!

Pictures of People on Holidays
Cost: $90/piece

Instead of selling holiday packages, Bread & Writer has decided to sell pictures of people on holiday. Why travel like most people when you can just live vicariously through these photos? Do you want to go to Bali for a Julia Roberts’s Eat Pray Love holiday? We got that! Or do you just want to head down to Los Angeles like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? We have that too! Maybe you simply want to “discover yourself” in New York like in the film Runaway Bride, with Julia Roberts. We got you! Remember, not all who stare into holiday photos are lost…

Extra-Powered Coffee Beans
Cost: $120/bag

Bread & Writer loves coffee! However, mainstream places only help you to stay physically awake. Bread & Writer helps you to stay awake both physically and intellectually! For every purchase of our coffee beans, you are required to read all Judith Butler’s works! Then, indulge yourself in writing a 10,000-word thesis on a deadline. Each packet of coffee comes with the very generous amount of 3 coffee beans.

A Hardcover Mandarin Book On Baby’s Boy Names Under Mao Zhe Dong’s Regime
Cost: $88.88

Why be mainstream parents and settle for a name like John or Peter? Name your son after a Chinese person suffering under an oppressive regime! Grab a copy now and give your son a name that you cannot pronounce! Childless? Fret not! This book will make a perfect gift for your token Chinese friend.

Les Misérables Puzzle
Cost: $99

Bread & Writer offers the complete Les Misérables puzzle set! Not the movie poster, the novel itself! Instead of just reading the book, you get to construct the entire novel from scratch, all 1,400 pages! Many hours of fun!

Non-Metal Recyclable Straws
Cost: $175

Recycling is key at Bread & Writer. However, metal does not cut it for us because it is prone to rustiness! So, we have created a straw made from bricks. Can brick rust? And ask yourself which pig was the most successful in building his house? Purchase this straw today and bring it anywhere you want! To ensure portability, this straw only weighs 44 pounds.

A Coin Purse
Cost: $100

Many coin purses are bulky and heavy so we have decided to eliminate that by having our purse to hold just ONE coin. This coin purse is beautifully made from cloth and added with a final touch of a beautiful quote, “treat yo’ self.” Use this purse and “treat yo self” to the finer things in life! Some customers might be asking, “why is this coin purse and all of your items so expensive?” Great question!

“This Is America” Single CD Without the Music
Cost: $35

Inspired by French philosopher Roland Barthes’s idea that the birth of reader must be at the cost of the death of the author. Bread & Writer has taken the liberty to remove the lyrics and beat of this political anthem. In this 10-second-long track, we will provide you a purely visceral and alternative listening experience with just gunshot sounds. Now, what does this song really mean?

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God Decides To Skip 2019, Get Right To Next Presidential Election

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In hopes of finally putting all this nonsense behind Him, God decided to skip over the year 2019 entirely, and start the next presidential election ASAP.

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How Many Anakins?

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Hector Navarro, Ryan Martin, and Zach Kornfeld delve into Dorothy dabbing and Lannister debts.

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I See Something in Your Past, Present, Future, or Not At All

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Welcome. The mystical forces have brought you to me. Wait, not a word; the spirits will do the talking. I’m sensing from your white dress, veil, and bouquet—I mean from beyond the grave, I am sensing you were at a celebratory or sad event such as a bar-mitzvah, a funeral, a baby shower, a Halloween party—that would be a great costume—a graduation ceremony, a quinceanera—

What’s that? A wedding? Of course, now shh… the spirits were guiding me there. I know you have questions, but I have answers, so listen.

In your future, past, or present, there is, was, will be a wedding with a brunette, fair-haired, blonde, or red-headed man or woman, a person, who is causing you to feel a strong emotion, such as anger, sadness, happiness, jealousy, or fear. You met them through a friend, work event, driving through traffic, at Seven Eleven, church, somewhere on this earthly plane.

Their name starts with a consonant or a vowel. It is an Anglo, Latin, Arabic, Eastern-European, Native American or Asian name. It starts with an A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N—

Yes, I see you nodded in agreement—I mean my psychic premonitions confirmed it. This “N” person resonates an energy, a positive, negative, or neutral energy that will affect you positively, negatively, or neutrally. You will run into them in the next hour, day, month, year, decade or life.

What? You’re a runaway bride? Ahem, I mean the unearthly beings had informed me of that days ago.

My crystal ball’s murkiness means that you are clear or unclear about some aspect of your life in love, family, career, health, or spirituality. What? Of course, you’re a runaway bride!

I hear someone beckoning to you from the other side. Maybe they are your grandparents. Oh, the four of them are still alive, you say? Then, your great-grandparents or their ancestors or an unrelated spirit. Someone, who has now passed on to the other side calls on you. They are someone who is deceased, lifeless, beyond the grave, gone to a better place, not with us anymore, and pushing up daisies.

They have some type of opinion on this wedding. They died perhaps recently, years ago, a decade ago, a century ago, a millennia ago. I’m reading that they lived in a city, village, or town in a country on one of the continents. They call on you to say something important or not important, a warning, a blessing, a greeting, a goodbye, or a metaphor. You have no idea who this is? Well, it’s not my fault strange spirits are attracted to you.

I sense a pain or pleasure in you. It is a physical, spiritual or nonexistent pain. It resides somewhere in you, on you, or existentially elsewhere. Heartache? Why? Oh right, the wedding! My premonitions foresaw this.

You have a gift. You are good at confronting people, avoiding conflict, maintaining a positive attitude, being a realist, communicating, withholding pertinent information to yourself, being a team player, working alone, leadership, or following leadership. Yep, running away from your wedding would make you good at avoiding conflict.

You have come to me with a reason, a question. This question is about you or someone you know. Or it is about someone that someone you know knows. You seek the answer to this question or query, yes? My crystals inform me that the answer to your question is coming to me. What? You want to know if you should marry him? I mean… Ahhh… You want to know if you should marry him. It is a yes, no, or a maybe so.

Let me see your palms. Yes, these lines mean that you will have a long, short, average-sized lifespan, love life, or career. These other lines refer to the number of children you will have: one, two, three, four, five, or zero. You will have girls, boys, or nonexistent children with this fiance of yours or not. With certainty, they will be adopted, birthed by you, or not raised at all.

Unfortunately, the spirits are weakening as our fifteen minutes are up. If you would like to continue, then please pay another forty dollars for more time.

The spirits will gladly answer more of your questions.

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This Forest Fire may be Devastating, but it’s our Chance to Cook a Huge Omelette

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There’s no easy way to say this.

Our town is in the path of a forest fire, and, in a matter of hours, it may be gone entirely. As your mayor, I’d like to first acknowledge how deeply grateful I am that we were all able to make it to the edge of town, away from the blaze.

However, I know most of us stand to lose everything today, and that’s why I’d like to remind you, though things may seem hopeless in the face of mother nature’s cruelty, we should not discount humanity’s ability to overcome the odds. As the saying goes: when life gives you lemons, sometimes you need to fastball those lemons right back into life’s eyes and sprint away. And by that I mean, let’s not lose sight of a potential windfall here.

Yes, this forest fire is devastating. But it’s also our chance to cook a really huge omelette.

Like, a really big one.

I can see it now. Four helicopters whirring over the trees, a titanic, cast-iron skillet suspended between them by shimmering high tension wire. They hover in position over the flaming inferno that used to be our neighborhood, and you know what’s cooking in that frickin’ pan? An omelette that would please even the Almighty Cronus.

Eighty tons of warm scrambled eggs! Grated ham the size of semi-trucks! So much liquid Armenian Cheese, there are oceanic tides! Cheese tides. Tides of cheese controlled by the moon. If the thought of that alone doesn’t bring a smile to your ash-streaked faces, I don’t know what will.

Now, I understand many of you are hurting. But sometimes, tragedy can awaken us to the brutal, yet liberating fact that our time on earth is short. We only have one life. And with that sobering reality mind, consider our two options for responding to this situation. Option one: we could “grieve” over the fact that our “households” and “most valuable possessions” will be incinerated by an indifferent tsunami of fire. There. That’s one idea.

Orrrr the second one: we could utilize the approaching inferno like a griddle from God, cook the shit out of a skyscraper-sized mound of egg, and then turn the resulting acres of lip-smacking omelette into an egg-themed pleasure park!

And I have two words to say about option number two.

Hell. YES.

Look around! We don’t have to submit to mother nature’s wrath. We can use it to fulfill our most outlandish culinary dreams! When life gives you lemons, sometimes you need to nunchuk that sack of hardened fruit right into life’s temple, knock life on its back, then steal life’s clothes, and sell them to consignment.

Rebuilding our community is going to be a nightmare of logistical and emotional challenges. So, let’s flip the script: we’ll fry a Godzilla-egg-pile in the burning timberland and create an omelette so large we’ll need personal jetpacks to explore it! And we can charge to rent the jetpacks!

Here are just a few of the many opportunities afforded by my plan. You could:

• Divide the massive omelette into different provinces based around the kinds of ingredients there, like “Chive-Town” and “New Bacon City.”
• Dig secret “Lover’s Grottos” into the rough, but pliable omelette surface, where stalactites of hardened cheese will sparkle in the egg-light and seduce any lover with their delirious whimsy.
• Make a three-piece-suit out of egg whites, and rebrand yourself as “Danny Eggland, Duke of Breakfast.”
• Bath naked in a natural waterfall of steaming, liquid yolk alongside your new husband, a perfect replica of John Krasinski carved out of sweet ham.

We have been given the chance to remake our town as it always should have been: hidden in the cavernous core of a twenty-story omelette, and I, for one, refuse to sit idly by and let that opportunity pass!

So for those who, like me, crave citizenship in a new, egg-based world, I have this to say: Forest… fire up the griddle! And, for those of you who are muttering this is all an impossible fiction intended to help me cope with the loss of every one of my possessions:

You can go ahead and uninvite yourself from brunch tomorrow.

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List: Acceptable Reasons to Wake Up Your Parents in the Middle of the Night

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You threw up.

You had a nightmare.

You had a nightmare, and then you threw up.

You lost a tooth but if you put it under your pillow without telling your parents first, the tooth fairy won’t come, for some reason.

You lost a tooth and when you felt the gap in your gums, a physical reminder of the relentless march of time and inevitable loss of your childhood, you threw up.

The tooth fairy came! Check it out, five whole bucks.

You think there might be a monster in your closet.

You think there might be several monsters in your closet.

You checked the closet and it wasn’t a monster, it was nine blue goblins. They play poker every Thursday night and they apologized for the noise.

The nine blue goblins are now eighteen blue goblins. They double in number every time you masturbate, and also guess what, you just learned how to masturbate.

You think there might be a monster under your bed.

You know there’s a monster under your bed.

You met the monster under your bed. His name is Hank, he’s 34, he’s a Gemini, and his Myers-Briggs personality type is INFP.

Hank invited you to come play poker with the tooth fairy and the 1,152 blue goblins in your closet, but you spent all your tooth fairy money already, so you need to borrow a couple bucks.

The 4,608 blue goblins that live in your closet lost poker last night and they’re holding the tooth fairy hostage until Hank admits he cheated, which he probably did. He’s a textbook Gemini.

The 147,456 blue goblins that live in your closet have resorted to pulling the tooth fairy’s teeth out one by one and mailing them to Hank until he admits he cheated. He won’t admit it because he was born right on the Taurus-Gemini cusp, so he’s a bit stubborn.

Getting her teeth pulled out one by one is actually a huge turn-on for the tooth fairy and her moans of pleasure are keeping you up.

The tooth fairy, horny and toothless, escaped from your closet and the 1,179,648 blue goblins within. That night, she watched you sleep and whispered threateningly to you in a garbled, gummy voice you couldn’t comprehend. Nevertheless, it made you feel vaguely guilty. Guilty for masturbating, for having teeth, for existing in general. You woke up drenched in sweat. You vowed never to masturbate or brush your teeth again. You broke one of those vows about twenty minutes later.

You lost a tooth again. Instead of money, you found bloody nail clippings and a rusty fishing hook under your pillow.

You haven’t seen Hank in a few weeks, but you’re not worried because Geminis are naturally flaky. There is a rotting smell coming from underneath your bed, though.

There are now 150,994,944 blue goblins in your closet. They’ve gnawed all your good church pants to shreds with their tiny, glittering black teeth. They hiss at you from the crack under the door: why are we here why did you create us are you our dad why don’t you love us dad why don’t you love us daddy dearest there are so many of us and only one of you why do you get to sleep in a bed while we sleep in the closet?

You think you might be hallucinating again.

You can’t sleep. You haven’t slept in weeks. You just want someone to make you some warm milk.

You threw up again, but this time it was mostly liquid.

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President Trump Drains the Unelected Swamp, Fills it with Unelected Clerics

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Trump’s ‘Drain the Swamp’ strategy recently sounds more like a ‘Fill the Swamp with Unelected Clerics’ strategy.

Mildly perturbed (as always!) by lingering accusations of bad faith, dishonesty and cynicism, Trump is now shaking up his cabinet, in order to get rid of all the corrupt moneygrubbers, as well as any remaining Beltway establishment career politicos.

This is certain to restore trust in his regime…

Er, government!

Here’s a quick selection of who we have in store. Remember to laugh and share!

Pastor Pat Robertson

We’re off to a good start with America’s best-beloved televangelist.

Would you rather take poor little ghetto kids, take them out of the ghetto and make them very fine citizens?
Or would you like to teach rich people how to hurt their friends?

That’s not patronising or racist, it’s just getting The Word out there!

Pat Robertson is a multi-talented figure, who excels at:

Public Health

Don’t inhale demon spirits; you can do karate OK, as long as you’re nice about it.

Cultural Diversity

Pat Robertson speaks highly of Saudi Arabia and their unique approach to gender equality. This coincides nicely with King Salman’s reforms, of course.

Gender Equality

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander! Pastor Pat reminds us that while many women are guilty of adultery, we shouldn’t forget about the men too: the age old Jimmy Swaggart excuse. The boy can’t help it!

Kent Hovind

Kent Hovind, or Dr Dino, is an intellectually deranged Young Earth Creationist who is so corrupt and discredited, even some other YECs find him a bit much!

But if you’re worried about climate change, don’t worry. It’s all in God’s hands. ‘God helps those who help themselves’ is giving glory to the Created, and not to the Creator. So Kent definitely has some transferable skills, or at least some kind of mildly helpful transferrable mindset!

Huckabee & Akin

Everybody loves dark humour, and edgy comedy acts. Fry & Laurie, Mitchell & Webb, the Two Ronnies.

So howzabout this?

Renowned (if not notorious) double act Mike Huckabee and Akin are best known for ‘legitimate rape.’

And what, pray tell, is legitimate rape?

For those who are still living under a rock, ‘legitimate rape’ is a meme; i.e. a bizarre talking point that originated a few years back. See Media Matters:

During the 2012 elections, Missouri Republican Senate candidate Todd Akin claimed that pregnancies from rape are very rare and “if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Numerous Republicans disowned Akin after his bizarre and false remark; Mike Huckabee did not.

So, I guess we can all be glad traditional pre-17th century American classical patriarchy is still alive and well in the new Trump administration!

Reverend Jeremiah Wright

In keeping with the longstanding Republican tradition of honourable bipartisanship, Trump muttered:

Can we have the black guy as well? You know, the one 44 used to hang around with when he was doing his black justice schtick? A bit of affirmative action will keep the Dems off our backs until they finally find something else to bitch and moan about.

The Reverend Jeremiah Wright, not unlike his white counterparts, is known for various rhetorically rich and politically pungent quotes. AZ Quotes attributes the following punchy witticisms:

The government lied about inventing the HIV virus as a means of genocide against people of color. The government lied.

Them Jews aren’t going to let (Obama) talk to me.

There’s white racist DNA running through the synapses of his or her brain tissue. They will kill their own kind, defend the enemies of their kind or anyone who is perceived to be the enemy of the milky white way of life.

You are not now, nor have you ever been, nor will you ever be a brother to white folk and if you do not realize that, you are in serious trouble.

It’s not exactly clear what role poor Jeremy will be given, but I personally think he would make a great sidekick to foamy-mouthed John Bolton.

Rick Santorum

Rick ‘Frothy’ Santorum is technically a career politician; however, he is also a pretty hard-core religionist.

Rick’s strengths include good public reach-around outreach, such as to the gay journalist Dan Savage… Hence the nickname!

See also his groundbreaking logic, epistemology and analytical philosophy:

This will undoubtedly help him keep pace with his highly educated, intelligent and erudite colleagues in the Orange House.

It could be you!

Who do you think the Donald has “left behind?!”

Leave your thoughts below!

(Originally published on GlossyNews. Here’s the Glossy News Facebook Page.)

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Some say he’s savant, but he’s hopefully not an idiot… You can read his beautiful poetry, gripping speculative fiction and riotous Swiftian satire and decide for yourself! Books available on Amazon here.

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Me vs Andy Borowitz: A Satire Showdown

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Gonna grab my spit bucket & let’s rumble, Mr Andy Borowitz…

I’m mad as hell & not gonna take it anymore & now I say, 

‘Game is on’!

For the longest time, I’ve been watching The New Yorker Magazine’s Andy Borowitz take the entire Satire market & pirate every eyeball over to his domain & it’s not fair!

Oh sure, he’s funny & has a following – but give a buxom old broad a stab at it before she tilts!  

No, I don’t mind being older – what bothers me is I can’t nurse anymore – cause now I give butter!

 On the CBS Sunday Morning Show, Andy was called, ‘One of the funniest people in America’.

I was called the funniest person in my Cul de Sac!

Okay, there is the age difference…Andy was born in 1958…

I got my first Hickey in ’58!

Andy was inducted into the prestigious New York’s Friar’s Club…

I usually get the 24 Piece Bucket!

Andy wrote for the lofty Harvard’s Lampoon, ‘Hasty Pudding’…

Once, I made Chocolate Pudding with nuts!

Andy wrote his autobiography, “An Unexpected Twist”…

I choked on a Pretzel once & was put next to ‘Sex Accidents in the ER’!

TV Critic, Tom Shales called Andy, ‘One of the wittiest Web Wags’…

I pitched my Screenplay to my dog & he gave me 2 wags!

I know, I know…

Andy got an NAACP Award for writing the sit-com, “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air”…

On ‘Visiting Day’ – I got some fresh air at Belle-vue!

There’s a Joke in there somewhere!

Andy wrote the New Yorker Magazine essay, “Poll: Trump Accomplished Little in Final Year as President“…

I wrote, “Take a Gander at this Lame Duck“!

And finally – and not a moment too soon…

Andy performed Stand-Up at “Caroline’s on Broadway”…

When I need cash…

I’m ‘CAROLINE’ lookin’ for-a-party on Times Square!

Oww – I told you I was a Bleeder!

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Marilyn Sands is a former 80’s Stand-Up Comic who started out in the DC/MD/VA area, moved to the Bay Area in Northern California and now resides in L.A. She has sold jokes to Joan Rivers, lesser lights and gag magazines, and is a screenwriter, playwright and author of non-fiction.

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Is His Accent Sexy?

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Gartholemew’s got that irresistible shmear of mystique.

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