Tinder’s Parent Company Suing Bumble For Patent Infringement

March 22, 2018


Tinder’s parent company, Match Group, is suing fellow dating app Bumble for infringement on patents including its swipe-based interface. What do you think?

“Tinder came up with dating first, fair and square.”

Victoria Wilson • Camembert Expert

“I swiped my finger across pictures of attractive people long before apps existed.”

Doug Tyson • Magician Auditor

“Let’s not argue over who first ruined dating for an entire generation.”

Matt Michaels • Unemployed


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We Watched the Pokemon Porn Parody So You Don’t Have To

March 22, 2018


If there is any porn parody you would like to see reviewed, please for the love of God keep it to yourself.

Pokemon fans far and wide, gather round for the rarest of candies that I guarantee will make you hurt yourself in confusion. I am still applying Full Heals to my eyeballs.


Let’s dive right into it, Strokemon starts with opening credits and a parody of the Pokemon theme song that goes thusly:

I train to be the very best

I’ve touched so many balls

I’ve gotta take an STI test

I’ve probably caught them all

I’ve stroked it hard across the land

And they always come for more

Each Strokemon has felt my grip

And now my hand is sore

Strokemon, gotta bang them all

It’s just me and you

You keep my balls from going blue

Strokemon! My best friend with benefits

Yeah they love your Pokedick

Strokemon! Gotta bang em all

We’re a Stroketeam

Our courage will make you cream

Oh it’s your wet dream, Strokemon

Gotta bang em all, Strokemon!

With the credit sequence complete, we open on Pokemon trainer Gash (Tyler Nixon), his friends Cock (Aj) and Fisty (Kassondra Raine), as well as his trusted Strokemon Dikachu (Rizzo Ford), as they wander from bedroom to bedroom in search of Strokemon to catch, in “this strange and sexy Neo-Asian yet strangely slightly Asianless magical talking creature-filled pastel color Fury Road-like future game”. 


If you were wondering how they planned on tackling Pikachu costume-wise, the answer is a resounding: poorly.


In my own words, I’d describe Dikachu as the bastard child spawned from passionless sex between Jim Carrey’s Grinch and a middle school paper mache art project where the kid making it didn’t fully understand the instructions.

In other people’s words:




So anyway, Dikachu and the gang encounter this little friend on the right, who looks like the Alaskan Bull Worm from Spongebob. We learn, from it saying so, that it’s name is Succudri. 


This thing instills significant fear into everyone’s hearts. Fisty notes “It looks like it could cause more damage than an episode of Dr. Oz”. Cock exclaims, “I’m not going anywhere near that thing.” Gash covers his cock in fear. 

This text flies in outta fuckin nowhere.


Fisty agrees with this text and tells Gash to “whip out his Dikachu”. He responds by saying “No way Fisty I don’t just whip out my Dikachu in public and wave it around all willy-nilly”. Fisty says “that’s not what I hear”, and Gash goes, “Quit busting my Pokeballs, ok? That was a screening for 50 Strokes of Grey, what was I supposed to do, not masturbate?”

Cock suggests Gash use his Strokedex to figure out what type of Strokemon Succudri is. Gash says, “Hey that’s a good idea, Cock.”


The Strokedex, a penis pump, is pumped and in a voice charmingly similar to the Pokedex voice from the show, says “Succudri. This Strokemon is typically found scrummaging through bedrooms for anything it can get its tonsils on.” Gash thanks the Strokedex, and the Strokedex says “Don’t mention it, bitch”, which is very funny. Gash explains the Strokedex has been binge watching Breaking Bad, but honestly I would’ve preferred no justification for it.

Gash pulls out a blue Strokeball which is colored so because he “hasn’t played with it in awhile”. He throws out Squirt-hole, a dildo, to use it’s squirt powers. It does.


He throws the Strokeball and captures Succudri. Fisty roasts the concept of Pokemon trainers by noting, “You’re really good at letting your Strokemon do all the work and then throwing a ball at what you want to capture, Gash.”

Then Dikachu goes on a long tangent, saying it’s name for like 10 seconds straight. Gash thanks Dikachu. Fisty asks what she said and Gash explains, “Oh, that I just have like a really big dick”.

Cock checks his watch and says he’s gotta go, because even he knows it’s time to get to the fucking. He’s off to go check out a local gym and scope out the competition. Gash gets excited about this and says they should all go.


Cock screams “NO!” and does this. “Today, Cock is going to enjoy some Cock-time”. Which, honestly? Good for him.

To my delight, we actually follow Cock, who I assumed was just briskly written off, but he actually enjoys a quick little subplot. He goes to this gym, where Nurse Joy is waiting for him.


He says “Sorry I’m late, I’m on Strokepeople time. But I finally came.” Nurse Joy goes, “No, you haven’t come yet. But you will.” Then she grabs his fuckin hog and says, “Now turn your head and cough.”


We cut back to the rest of the gang, presumably because Cock and Nurse Joy are such freaks that their sex is too nasty even for porn. Smoke is filling the room. Team Cocket enters, and here’s their spiel:


To screw the world out of masturbation

To make sex only about procreation

If you want a taste of cum just for kicks

Then you can eat a bag of dicks



Team Cocket blasts off for them all right

Give up now or we’ll fucking fight

And then a naked, insanely boob job-ed woman playing Meowth is chroma-keyed in from the bottom of the screen and says “Don’t be a bunch of pussies”.


Gash turns to Dikachu and says, “You ready to ruin these guys like they’re Brian Williams career?” which is the second reference indicating we are really going in hard on 2015.

Gash tells Dikachu to use her “electric cum power”. It is disgusting.



James, way too casually, laments “Aw, we’re all covered in cum.” Meowth goes “I feel like I’m in a Kardashain home video”. The cum attack understandably causes Team Cocket to flee.

Fisty congratulations the two, and says “it seems like my hero and her sidekick deserve a hero’s present”. So now it’s go time.

Cut to Dikachu getting Fisty undressed. Somehow the back of Dikachu’s head is just as bad as the front, if not worse. 


Gash bends Fisty over and he and Dikachu both start fingering Fisty from behind. Gash smiles and says, “You like that Dikachu?”. Dikachu responds “Dika”. I’m not sure what he was expecting.


Fisty, played by Kassondra Raine, is a natural redhead but in true commitment to the Fisty role dyed her hair and pubes bright orange. Her commitment will forever be outshined by Rizzo Ford’s Dikachu, but I felt it worthy of acknowledgment.

Dikachu and Fisty both go down on Gash. When Dikachu is sucking his dick I genuinely wonder how the actress Rizzo Ford is able to breathe. It does not appear the nose holes would provide enough air for her; I spend a good stretch of time watching this porn concerned about her safety.

The two of them take turns deepthroating Gash for like eight minutes. During this time, we learn that Ash is a Christian.


This also served as a personal reminder of just how far I personally had fallen from God’s light.

At the 13 minute mark we cut to penetrative sex – Dikachu riding Gash reverse cowgirl while Fisty fingers her. Here Dikachu does a lot of moaning that canonically, is out of her verbal wheelhouse, which is puzzling. Also, every close camera shot from this angle shows significant splotches of where Dikachu’s yellow paint has peeled off. The jury’s out on whether this is an intentional choice meant to represent Dikachu’s metamorphosis to humanity, or if it’s just cheap paint from Party City.

Poor Fisty, very much being left out of this threesome, clearly gets direction from her director at one point to go sit on Gash’s face, which leaves us with this cursed image.


While she’s riding Gash, Dikachu gets really into it at times and in character shrieks, “Dika, dika, dika”. It is unpleasant. She does this to what appears to be climax. It is devastating.

We cut to Gash inserting himself into Fisty, his Strokegloves still on. He does so with a condom, which is responsible. Dikachu is behind her like a supportive midwife. If there’s any visual you see right before you enter hell, I have to imagine it is what Fisty is experiencing right here.


Dikachu keeps smacking Fisty’s boobs like bongos, it seems like it hurts.

They swap it up, and Fisty spreads Dikachu’s legs while Gash fucks her. Fisty also sprinkles in some quick revenge bongo boob smacks. Here Dikachu really goes nuts with the orgasmic “Dikas” and “Dikachus”.

I truly can’t express in words how awful this is. On top of an already mighty big pill to swallow visually, the Dikachu moaning elevates the whole thing to prisoner of war torture technique level. Considering we now have a talking Pikachu in the movies, as well as that talking Detective Pikachu game, can’t Dikachu, please for the love of God just talk like a person too?

We cut to doggystyle. Gash fucks Fisty from behind as Fisty fingers Dikachu on the bed. I had to see this, so you do too.


We end, as we always do, with Dikachu and Fisty on their knees, awaiting Gash to cum on them. He does, barely. I can only surmise his lack of cum is due to the fact that he is gazing down upon God’s biggest mistake.

The cameras pan down to both of their vaginas very similiarly to how the camera pans up to that rat in The Departed. We end on:


Strokemon is all fun and games until Dikachu starts getting fucked. To anyone considering watching this for themselves, the intro is silly and a lot of fun and I recommend it. The second things start getting sexual, proceed at your own risk. I suppose I understand the appeal of the “ew this is gross we gotta watch it” viewing with a group of friends, but if you watch this on your own as I did, all you feel is bad. I am much worse of for knowing what a Pikachu climax sounds like. I reckon I will spend the rest of my days fruitlessly trying to reclaim who I was before I viewed this. 

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Yelp Reviews of Cemeteries from Actual Residents

March 22, 2018


Zion Ridge Cemetery

Harriet Cohen (b. July 12, 1938, d. June 29, 2017) 

Just barely arrived but already I can see that Zion Ridge is not the 5-star cemetery my children thought it was! I hate to kvetch, but after the mourners left, my coffin remained only partly buried for hours until two cockamamie workers showed up. Even then they did a really sloppy job.

They’re lax about the grass-planting, but it’s finally taken hold and is growing well. If you are looking for peace and quiet, forget about it! I was laid to rest on a Sunday and quickly found that’s the only restful day of the week. Come Monday, there’s a cacophonous racket from the construction site nearby: drilling, hammering, bulldozing.

Oh, and did I mention the teenagers who hang out here? Smooching and more! Smoking weed and speeding in cars so fast that they had to put in speed bumps! It’s giving my aching bones a migraine! Look elsewhere, this is two stars at best.

Junipero Meadows

Five starsJose Gomez (b. April 20. 1952, d. November 8, 2015)

I have to say, my family did me proud when they chose Junipero Meadows—a five-star cemetery for sure. I’m lucky to be on top of a hill which gives me a perfect view of the nearby meadows with ample grass for the cows that graze there. Note: if mooing bothers you, then Meadows is not for you!

The soil is rich; its loamy smell is comforting, especially to those of us who loved gardening. The grounds are well-maintained and the graves are nicely spaced so that I’m not annoyed by the ruminations of my neighbors. No one has stolen the beautiful roses my cousin Maria brings each month. Only been here for just over a year, but so far, so good. Heartily recommend this place.

Forest Grove

one star

Maya Kovish (b. April 10, 1980, d. March 30, 2014)
Sorry to say, I’m not a happy camper at Forest Grove Cemetery.

Bad enough to have died so young when my marketing career was skyrocketing and I’d just scored an awesome apartment in Williamsburg. But this place is adding insult to fatal car injury! Bad choice, Mom and Dad. You were bamboozled by that flashy salesman and his endless hype, promising a scenic view, a well-maintained plot and fertile soil for the grass to flourish over my grave.

The grass is sparse and mowed sporadically at best, and the soil tastes flat. The view is fine, but nearby freeway noise is deafening. I have taken up Zen meditation just for some piece of mind.

It’s going to be a long forever.

Gates of Paradise

Three starsJack Leverowski (b. January 4, 1929, d. October 8, 2012)

Never bothered with social media and leaving online reviews while I was alive, but now I have the time, so why not?

This cemetery is barely two miles from the home I lived in for forty years after getting the hell out of Hungary in the ’50s. It’s “mezzo-mezzo,” as I think the Italians say, meaning it’s OK but not fabulous. Visitors love the Gates since the staff fawns over them. It’s all fussing.

Each visit, my kids are escorted in a golf cart to my grave so they can conserve their energy for our little talks. The scenery is pretty good, mostly flat with a few molehills and gopher digs, and the grass is lush and trim. One downside: when it snows, the place is a mess and ice forms on my tombstone. Not good since it discourages visits.

Also rain: if you’re on a hill, you may be washed away in a mudslide, but luckily I’m in the flats. Maybe the kids should have buried me in Florida or Arizona.

See also: “Best Sites to Toss Your Loved One’s Ashes”


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‘Rearranging the Chairs on the Trumptanic’

March 21, 2018


Now available on the Humor Times “News in Cartoons” free app, the latest edition: “Rearranging the Chairs on the Trumptanic.”

In the latest edition of the News in Cartoons Humor Times free app, titled, Rearranging the Chairs on the Trumptanic: The prez reprises his TV role with his favorite phrase, “You’re fired!,” the world’s greatest editorial cartoonists (who populate our popular Humor Times magazine with great material every single month) review the latest news in the way only political cartoonists can.

Rearranging the Chairs on the Trumptanic, cartoon by Tom Toles
Cartoon by Tom Toles.

Each edition of the News in Cartoons Humor Times app features a string of hilariously biting editorial cartoons for the reader to swipe through, strung together with narrative captions — telling each week’s recent news story in a very entertaining way.

See recent archives of the app on the website here. To see the most recent five editions, however, you’ll need to get the app!

The president is in the midst of a firing spree, and heads are rolling at the White House — even more than usual!

Like a baby king throwing a fit, Trump wants things his way, even though “his way” changes with the wind. And it doesn’t matter that he does not care to process any information that might result in better decisions — it’s almost like he’s just bored, and wants something — anything — to happen.

He needs a distraction from the Mueller probe that may be taking him down, so he’s rearranging the chairs on the Trumptanic. Of course, he also seems to relish reprising his role on Celebrity Apprentice, because he just loves to utter favorite line, “You’re fired!”

All of this and the daily onslaught of Trump Tweets and Executive Orders can be depressing. But that is where the Humor Times comes in! We present the work of the best editorial cartoonists of the day, whose insightful and probing work highlights the hypocrisy of lawmakers and celebrities alike, bringing a knowing smile and a lot of laughs to our readers. Call it “political sanity medicine.”

The News in Cartoons app also features a “bonus cartoon” each issue, as well as a funny video of the week — this week’s short being a hilarious scene from the awesome The President Show on Comedy Central.

The Humor Times “News in Cartoons” app is available only for Android phones or tablets at this time, but we hope to be rolling out an iOS versions and others soon.

It’s the FUN way to get your news!

“A beautiful brain-blast!”
— Dubious Cherce

“For those who love political cartooning, this e-mag has the best ones, including several Pulitzer Prize winners. They mostly (but not always) lean left, but don’t spare anybody who doesn’t deserve sparing.”
John L.

“Great for political humor enthusiasts. Funnest AND funniest way to get your news!”
— Jim L.

Each edition is basically an excerpt from the Humor Times monthly magazine (available in print or digital format all over the world), a publication that reviews recent news stories in hilarious fashion with editorial cartoons by the finest in the business, arranged with a running narrative above each cartoon, stringing them together to tell a recent news story.

Please share this page or the free app itself widely on Facebook, Twitter, by email, etc! Help us make it go viral! (You can share right from the app, or from the Google Play store while you’re there, or just share this post, and/or copy the link below.)

Thank you, and enjoy!

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The Humor Times is the “World’s funniest news source!” Sure, we like to inform our visitors, but in a playful sort of way. We believe political satire is one of the best ways to help folks let down their defenses and see things in a new light, as well as to help bring haughty leaders back down to earth. Plus, it’s just plain fun! The Humor Times magazine (delivered to your door 12x/year) is a great way to enjoy this brand of humor, it makes a wonderful gift, and SUBSCRIPTIONS are very affordable!


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It’s the Humor Times 27th Anniversary Issue! Get Your Copy!

March 21, 2018


Don’t miss the Humor Times 27th Anniversary Issue – order a subscription or free sample today!

Don’t cry about the news — laugh about it, with the Humor Times! We cover the news like no one else — say goodbye to the droll, hello to the hilarious. You won’t want to miss the Humor Times 27th Anniversary Issue — order it today, subscribe, or pick it up: the magazine is now available in Barnes & Noble and other stores across the country!

Humor Times 27th Anniversary Issue
The cover of the Humor Times 27th Anniversary Issue — click to enlarge.

A monthly political humor magazine featuring the finest in editorial cartoons, humor columns and satirical news stories, the Humor Times cuts through all the hype. It’s the perfect antidote to get you through these troubled times.

Humor Times subscriptions make great gifts for anyone who follows the news and has a sense of humor.

You may also order a free sample (there is a $1 shipping and handling fee for orders within the U.S., $3 for orders outside the U.S.).


About the Humor Times:

Appropriately enough for a publication bent on tickling readers’ funny bones, the Humor Times’ original launch date – originally titled the Comic Press News – was on April Fools Day, 1991. The 27th Anniversary Issue will come out before the end of March.

The goal in 1991 was to “provide comic relief for people weary of scandals and politics-as-usual in the Sacramento area,” as Editor James Israel put it. The publication’s purpose is “to help balance out the gloom and doom with hard-hitting political humor and hilarious editorial cartoons,” he said.

For people consuming the regular news through the standard outlets – newspapers, magazines, and their websites, or by watching talking heads hash over ginned-up issues on the tube – the magazine is a refreshing change: an irreverent, take-no-prisoners, no-holds-barred review of the news and politics.

Yes, the Humor Times is one “news” paper you can’t take too seriously. Lampooning both Democrats and Republicans alike, as well as news pundits and celebrities, it takes aim at the “elite,” bringing them down to size. “The powerful become nothing more than victims of the incisive wit of editorial cartoonists and satirical columnists,” says Israel, “and in this way it is an equalizer – and a much-needed one at that.”

Besides the editorial cartoons, the publication features humor columns by the likes of veteran political comedian Will Durst, Jim Hightower and others, a satirical news section ala The Onion, and – lest the magazine risk leaving readers feeling too jaded – many non-political cartoons, to help lighten up the mood.

The Humor Times’ topical political humor may be hard-hitting, but it is clean, and suitable for all ages – at least, those old enough to be interested in what’s happening on the world stage.

And according to Israel, that’s a very large audience – and growing daily. “Political satire is huge right now,” he says. “Look at the popularity of The Daily Show on Comedy Central, the proliferation of ‘fake news’ sites on the internet and the success of papers like The Onion.”

Now approaching its 24th year in print, the laughs are still coming, and die-hard fans can’t get enough, as they anticipate the anniversary issue.

Humor Times subscriptions are just $24.95/year (for 12 issues – save a dollar when ordering online), and a 3-issue trial subscription is available for only $7.95. A digital version is available for download by subscription as well, for just $9.95 a year. The magazine is also available in Barnes & Noble and other stores across the country!

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The Humor Times is the “World’s funniest news source!” Sure, we like to inform our visitors, but in a playful sort of way. We believe political satire is one of the best ways to help folks let down their defenses and see things in a new light, as well as to help bring haughty leaders back down to earth. Plus, it’s just plain fun! The Humor Times magazine (delivered to your door 12x/year) is a great way to enjoy this brand of humor, it makes a wonderful gift, and SUBSCRIPTIONS are very affordable!


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Memes from My Appalachia Spring Road Trip

March 21, 2018


by Roger Freed.

Real photos from a real trip that was a real trip! Photos taken in east Kentucky, western Virginia, southern West Virginia and south-eastern Ohio.

Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format. Pick up a copy at Barnes & Noble and other stores all over the U.S.


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Johnny Rockets Customer Terrified After Evidently Falling Through Wormhole Into 1950s

March 21, 2018


SANTA MONICA, CA—Alarmed by the red vinyl seats, chrome accents, and no-frills dining options that suggested he’d been hurled backwards in time, Johnny Rockets customer Jason Levick was reportedly terrified Wednesday after evidently falling through a wormhole into the 1950s. “I just opened the door to a restaurant in the modern day, but I must have activated some sort of tesseract that transported me to this diner from 60 years in the past,” said a visibly shaken Levick, marveling at the servers wearing paper hats, tins signs advertising ice-cold Coca Cola, and a jukebox playing Chuck Berry music as he swiftly pocketed his iPhone to avoid having to answer questions about the futuristic technology. “I’ve got to tread lightly, because my smallest action could have consequences in my own timeline that I can’t foresee. Okay, I’m not going to panic, I’m just going to sit here and order a malt from one of these soda jerks while I figure out what to do next.” At press time, Levick had bolted out of his booth and headed towards the door after realizing he still had time to prevent John F. Kennedy from being assassinated.


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