Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 12, 2017

December 12, 2017

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Trump Dismisses Accusers As Women

December 12, 2017

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WASHINGTON—In response to the 15 individuals who have come forward alleging sexual misconduct by the president, Donald Trump reportedly dismissed his accusers Tuesday as women. “Anyone can see that these disgraceful and false allegations are clearly coming from total, utter women,” said Trump, adding that those claiming he groped, fondled, and forcibly kissed them “absolutely know that they’re female” and that “everyone else knows they are, too.” “These are obvious women we’re dealing with, okay? Each and every one of them. It’s a shame that anyone can be such an undeniable woman and just get away with it.” Trump went on to say that many of the people supporting his accusers had no credibility either because they’re just as much women as the accusers themselves.

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Unidentified Wooden Pole Leaning Against Garage Wall

December 12, 2017

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More Elderly Improving Cognitive Function By Solving Murders

December 12, 2017

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CLEVELAND—Saying the activity was proving highly effective at halting mental deterioration, a new report released Tuesday by the Cleveland Clinic found that a growing number of elderly Americans are improving their cognitive functioning by solving simple murders each day. “We’ve long known that it’s important to keep our brains active as we age, but we’re now seeing a host of benefits in people who regularly visit murder scenes and try to piece together the killer’s motive and by collecting bits of forensic evidence,” said lead researcher Dr. Mary Webber, who noted that in fMRI scans, adults 65 and over who spent at least three days a week swabbing discarded weapons for DNA samples to run through national crime databases showed more vigorous brain activity than those who didn’t. “Even spending as little as 10 minutes a day looking into the past of a shifty bellhop at a luxury hotel where an heiress has gone missing can delay the onset of diseases like Alzheimer’s or dementia.” Webber added that because older people are more prone to social isolation, it can also be helpful for them to get out of the house and hunt down the murderers themselves.

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After The Election, We All Had To Change The Way We Approached Magic

December 12, 2017

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David Copperfield
Illusionist

The election on Nov. 8, 2016, served as a wake-up call to those in my profession. All through the campaign, we illusionists had continued to dazzle people with feats of magic and mystery, assuming that a man who openly mocked so many cherished American values would never become president. But he did. And we quickly realized that if our stage shows were to remain relevant in the age of Donald Trump, we would all have to rethink our approach to the craft.

Right away there was the issue of accountability. In the aftermath of Trump’s surprise victory, we realized the American people deserved better from their magicians. It didn’t matter if you were working birthday parties or headlining the MGM Grand. You had to take a real honest look at what you did and accept that whether you were making a playing card disappear, pushing a cigarette through a quarter, or levitating over the Grand Canyon, your actions would be judged in the context of an entirely new political climate.

With Trump peddling fear, xenophobia, and outright lies, we could no longer remain silent: We had an obligation, both as illusionists and Americans, not to allow such hateful behavior to become normalized.

I began with my own act. It would no longer be enough to just climb into a box that appeared to shrink my body down to a sixth of its normal size, nor could I simply converse with an animatronic space alien: I would need to speak truth to power. At any time the president might begin pushing the narrative that our tricks were “fake” and unfairly biased against him. In such an event, I, as a professional stage magician, would have no choice but to fight back.

I’ve no doubt the public’s perception of illusionists has changed since the election. Some people probably even think it’s easier to do magic these days with all the “crazy Trump stuff” going on. But that’s really not the case. If anything, our jobs are now more difficult. With the president already providing citizens with an alternative version of reality on a daily basis, my own illusions, like walking through the Great Wall of China or making an audience disappear, no longer have as much impact.

Though much of what we as Americans hold sacred has come under threat this past year, there has been at least one positive development: Many magicians no longer saw their female assistants in half, having come to realize that there are now consequences for such behavior in the workplace.

There may be critics out there who argue that illusionists are largely to blame for America’s extreme polarization, but I strongly disagree. The political winds that propelled Donald Trump into office would have blown through this country regardless of whether I had ridden a flaming pontoon boat over Niagara Falls. And though it may cost me professionally, I have and will continue to use my illusions to speak out on behalf of democracy. If I lose fans because they take offense at my dollar-bill tricks, or my duck in a bucket, or the thing I do where it somehow looks like I dislocate both my wrists, then so be it.

When future generations look back at today’s magicians and ask, “Where were they?” I want to be able to say I took a stand.

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Unpatriotic Man Does Not Maintain Erection During National Anthem

December 12, 2017

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PHILADELPHIA—Brazenly demonstrating his near-traitorous contempt for his country, unpatriotic man Douglas Harlow on Tuesday reportedly failed to maintain an erection for the duration of the National Anthem. “Sorry, but he doesn’t deserve to call himself an American if he won’t keep his hard-on going for the entire song,” said nearby stadium attendee Rick Glasbergen, explaining that someone who truly loved the United States and everything it stands for would never let his penis go semi-soft while the “Star-Spangled Banner” played. “It’s bad enough that some of these athletes are totally flaccid in protest, but now even the fans can’t be bothered to stay sprung for two minutes? Well, I have red, white, and blue coursing through my willie, and if this guy doesn’t like it, he can just find some other place where his limp-dicked America-bashing is welcome.” Glasbergen went on to say that if the man couldn’t even maintain his erection, there’s no way he’d patriotically orgasm at the last triumphant note.

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Pope Francis Suggests Changing Words To ‘Lord's Prayer’

December 12, 2017

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In a recent interview, Pope Francis suggested changing the words to the Lord’s Prayer in Italian and English, saying that the phrase “lead us not into temptation” incorrectly suggests that God tempts humans to do evil. What do you think?

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