Parent Now Just Typing 4-Year-Old Child’s Every Word Verbatim Throughout Day As Facebook Post – The Onion

August 17, 2017

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GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday. “I’m hungry. Can I have a snack?” wrote Morris, who had already spent several hours of her afternoon directly transcribing her child’s every passing thought and nonsensical whim exactly as she uttered them approximately every 8-14 seconds. “Can I have some apple juice now? No, milk! No, apple juice! Noooooooo! Not in that cup! I want my Spider-Man cup. Mommy, look at me now, I’m a ghost! Mommy look! Look Mommy!’” At press time, sources reported that Morris had spent the last half hour posting nothing but “Waaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaah!” as she struggled to put her daughter down for her midday nap.

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50 Container Vans Of Balut Rotting In Canadian Port | Adobo Chronicles

August 17, 2017

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TORONTO, Canada (The Adobo Chronicles, New York Bureau) – Some 50 container vans of balut, the Filipino delicacy of boiled duck embryo, has been found rotting in an undisclosed port in Canada. The shipment was imported by a local company for distribution in Filipino and Asian groceries and supermarkets throughout Canada. Balut is extremely popular among Filipinos and…

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Silicon Valley CEO Explains How The Future Of Tech Is Him Being Fabulously Wealthy And Having A Blast

August 16, 2017

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Baltimore Pigeons Shocked To Find Beloved Shitting Statues Gone

August 16, 2017

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Man Who Stood And Watched Robbery Acted On Pure Instinct – The Onion

August 16, 2017

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COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur. “The adrenaline just took over the second I saw his gun, and suddenly I found myself standing there not moving a muscle,” said Ashbury, explaining that seemingly no time elapsed between him noticing someone was in danger and doing absolutely nothing while the assailant made off with the elderly victim’s handbag and necklace. “Honestly, I really can’t even take credit for what I did—I just saw an old woman in trouble and then kind of automatically slipped into a completely useless paralysis. I guess you never know what you’re capable of until that moment arrives.” Ashbury went on to say he was glad he reacted so quickly because if he had time to think, he just might have helped out.

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Disney Unveils Plans For ‘Immersive’ Star Wars Hotel – The Onion

August 16, 2017

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Disney has announced plans for an immersive Star Wars hotel featuring ship-themed room designs and interactive role-playing scenarios for guests. What do you think?

  • “And yet no one wants to spend the night in my Star Wars-themed bedroom.”



    Ken Jalali


    Cable Weaver

  • “I’m for any world that takes me out of this one.”



    Adam Marfield


    Storage Mogul

  • “No thanks. Motel 6 is cheaper and you see much weirder, scarier characters.”



    Michelle Vernon


    Unemployed

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5 Things To Know About Hope Hicks

August 16, 2017

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