KFC Blames Popeyes For Releasing Serial Rapist From Prison In New Attack Ad Campaign

December 18, 2018

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LOUISVILLE, KY—Referring to the fast food restaurant chain as a revolving door for perverts and sexual deviants, Kentucky Fried Chicken released a new attack ad Tuesday blaming Popeyes for the release of a convicted serial rapist from prison. “Next time you eat the 16-piece Bonafide Family Meal, remember that Popeyes wants serial rapists to have weekend passes so they can roam the streets and terrorize our women and children,” said an unsmiling Colonel Sanders somberly to the camera in a nationally televised commercial spot that went on to roll color-inverted footage of child molesters walking single-file out of a penitentiary and into a Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen whose restaurant sign reads “Felons Eat 10% Off.” “If Popeyes really cares for the well-being of American citizens, then why haven’t we seen a hard stance from them on mandatory sentences for perpetrators of sexual violence? KFC, on the other hand, was founded on a vision of finger lickin’ good chicken and putting violent rapists behind bars where they belong.” The ad reportedly concluded by telling viewers about KFC’s new $10 Chicken Share. 

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Radio Station Playing Controversial ‘Little Drummer Boy’ On Repeat In Defiance Of Those Who Claim It Contains Sexually Predatory Themes

December 18, 2018

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LEXINGTON, KY—Pushing back against what they view as political correctness run amok, DJs at local radio station 104.5 “The Cat” were defiantly playing “The Little Drummer Boy” on repeat Tuesday despite claims that the Christmas standard contains sexually predatory themes. “This is a classic song, and the manufactured outrage surrounding it won’t frighten us into taking it off the air,” said Director of Programming Darren Boccia, telling reporters that he rejected the modern interpretation of a hidden, coercive meaning behind lyrics like “Come they told me” and “Pa rum pum pum pum.” “I grew up singing this song, my kids grew up singing it, and we’re not going to stop playing it because a few people with dirty minds have constructed some perverse narrative about the ox and ram keeping time that no one was thinking about when the song was written in the 1940s. We’ll be playing ‘The Little Drummer Boy’ 24/7 until Christmas, and if people don’t like it, they can switch to a different station.” Boccia added that the station would continue its years-long practice of refusing to play “Silver Bells” due to the song being an obvious affront to Christ.

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Chuck Schumer Insists Democrats Won’t Budge On Wall

December 18, 2018

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Chuck Schumer declared this week that Democrats will not provide any more funding for a border wall, noting that he and fellow Democrats are willing to wait until they have a House majority to help push forward their interests. What do you think?

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Millions Of Americans Shocked To Discover Favorite Movie Directed By Woman

December 18, 2018

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5 Things To Know About ‘Aquaman’

December 18, 2018

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Back-To-Back Broadcasts Of ‘Big’ Happening On TBS Apparently Unrelated To Death Of Penny Marshall

December 18, 2018

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Les Moonves Doesn’t Know How He Going To Tell Wife He Didn’t Get $120 Million Bonus

December 18, 2018

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NEW YORK—Saying the news would come as a big disappointment to her, former CBS chairman and CEO Les Moonves confided to reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain how to tell his wife Julie Chen he didn’t get the $120 million bonus he had been expecting from the company. “She’s going to be so upset with me when she finds out,” said Moonves, adding that he could put off breaking it to Chen for a little while, but that eventually she would wonder what had happened to the nine-figure sum he had promised her he would be receiving upon his exit from CBS. “Julie was so excited when I told her about the big bonus I’d be getting this year. She even left her job at The Talk because I made it sound like a sure thing. Gosh, what if she’s already spent some of it?” At press time, Moonves was reportedly worried that his wife had begun to suspect something was up after he canceled the big vacation they’d been looking forward to.

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