Onion Social Continues To Dominate

June 20, 2018

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Thanks to its groundbreaking tech, enthusiastic user base, and considerable revenue stream, Onion Social continues to dominate. What do you think?

“I’m really happy for them; they work so hard.”

Priscilla Adkins • Rodeo Developer

“Go Onion Social! Go!”

Samuel Everett • Hourglass Technician

“That’s great. I love being dominated.”

Nick Roche • Limerick Scrivener


Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

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I Resent the Placenta in My Freezer

June 20, 2018

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My husband and I followed the birth plan template from “Peaceful Beginnings Center” to the letter.

Nowhere in those two typed pages did it mention anything about placenta disposal, so how did we end up bringing it home with us? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’ve had a placenta in my freezer for three years and I’m starting to resent it.

As best I remember, Azalea Jane had just latched on to nurse for the first time when the doula and midwife started yammering on and on about how the placenta had, “nourished your baby all these months.” They made it seem like throwing it in the garbage would make us seem ungrateful or give us bad karma. Plus, there was all this stuff in the news about stem cell therapies at the time. Turns out those are in the umbilical cord. God only knows where that ended up.

This placenta situation just keeps getting more out of hand. My husband and I hosted both our families last Thanksgiving. Drue, my younger brother, sent all these group emails asking if the turkey was going to be stored next to my “afterbirth.” He was being such a dick that we bought a second freezer for the basement just to avoid any more hassle.

So now we have a whole large appliance with a significant carbon footprint devoted to a 1½ pound shrink-wrapped wad of flesh. And you know what really pisses me off? I’m a vegetarian, but I didn’t pitch a fit about Drue’s goddamned bird carcass in my fridge.

I might have gotten rid of it during Azalea’s first few months if it hadn’t been for my mother-in-law. She’s a pediatrician, a fact she drops into every single conversation as she questions my parenting decisions: the birthing center, co-sleeping, breastfeeding on demand, cloth diapers, you name it.

For some reason I decided to take my stand with her on the placenta of all things. Now, every time I go downstairs to get blueberries for my smoothie, I see it back there next to our wedding cake topper and I begrudge her for it. It might not make sense, but it sure feels right.

I mean, I don’t think I’m keeping it just to spite her. I do feel a weird sentimental attachment to it. It’s like an ugly family heirloom at this point. But last summer the power went out for a few hours and I found myself hoping I would have to toss it out. I knew then that I had to do something, so I looked online for help.

The bitchy trolls on mommy sites were no help. One innocent question and I got:

“You’re disgusting! I hope someone calls CPS.”
“You endangered your child by not giving birth in a real hospital. I hope someone calls CPS.”
“I can’t believe a mother would be so shallow and selfish. Why didn’t you eat it right away and pass along those wonderful nutrients to your baby?”

Well, it’s totally freezer burned now so I won’t need those recipes, GaiaMother1978, but thanks anyway. I hope someone calls CPS on her.

I like the idea of burying it next to a tree. That way it can nourish something else and go back to the Earth. But since we can’t even keep the racoons and possums out of the compost bin, that’s not happening. And the last thing we need is our pit-bull mix Daisy getting a taste for human flesh.

I’m due with our second this spring. If I don’t get rid of this placenta before then, I’ll guilt myself into keeping the second one so that I don’t feel like I’m playing favorites. Christ, it’s going to end up looking like Jeffrey Dahmer’s place down there.

I have to get this placenta out of my house before the next one shows up. That has to be my absolute deadline.

I guess I’ll just put it in the garbage bin, still frozen, right before garbage pick-up next Wednesday morning. I should probably at least take a picture of it first, right?

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Onion Social Inspires Wave Of Democratic Revolutions Around World

June 20, 2018

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Owing to its innovative organizing and messaging abilities, flourishing social network Onion Social has inspired a wave of successful democratic uprisings in Sudan, North Korea, Syria, and dozens of other oppressed nations. What do you think?

“What’s surprising is that there were ever any democratic societies at all before Onion Social came along.”

Mary Hamlin • Typing Auditor

“Thank you, Onion Social. You saved my country.”

Sayid Albaz • Political Refugee

“Yeah, I just heard about this on Onion Social!”

Peter Williams • Systems Analyst


Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

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This Woman’s Weekend-Long Trip With Her Friend Should Have Really Just Been A Lunch

June 20, 2018

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Hindsight is always 20/20, which makes it pretty tough to watch a misjudgment as drastic as this one play out: This woman’s weekend-long trip with her friend should have really just been a lunch.

Wow. This was a serious error on her part.

When Marta Holman embarked on a weekend trip to Nashville with her friend from college, she realized within the first hour that she had gravely overestimated how much the two had to talk about. The amount of life updates that they had for each other could have easily been condensed into a quick lunch, but now they’re stuck on this entire weekend trip with nothing else to talk about.

The two friends, who had never been that close to begin with, were already hitting awkward silences walking through the airport before boarding, which was a critical indicator of just how flawed Holman’s decision was to go on a whole trip with her friend instead of just chatting briefly over coffee. And by the time they got on the flight, they had resorted to fluffing out the conversation by talking about a mutual friend who had recently graduated from law school, which was both a boring topic of conversation and one which exhausted itself after several minutes.

In retrospect, Holman would have been much better off spending the weekend in her own apartment and shooting her friend a text to plan a bite down the road. Thanks to her severe misjudgment, she’s now looking at another 48 hours of strained conversation and forced politeness with a friend who she’s starting to realize she doesn’t even like that much. It’s absolutely tragic to see.

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Working-Class Silicon Valley Residents Beg Onion Social To Demolish Their Homes For New Headquarters

June 20, 2018

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SANTA CLARA, CA—Saying it would be an honor to help the world-changing social media company in even a small way, working-class residents of Silicon Valley started a campaign Tuesday begging Onion Social to demolish their homes for its new corporate headquarters. “Please, this is the least we can do—we would gladly surrender our homes, our livelihoods, and our bodies for your amazing company,” said activist leader Jorge Caballero, who claimed residents have already begun smashing their possessions and hiring bulldozers to clear space for construction in a show of absolute devotion and support for the social media network. “We fought Facebook and Google, but we would love to surrender our homes to Onion Social. To think that my house could be the site of your company’s gym or parking lot—we simply could not live with ourselves if we stood in the way of progress. Take our land, please. We want nothing in return, no money. Knowing that we supported Onion Social is worth more than anything you could give us.” At press time, a Santa Clara referendum to level the entire city had passed with 99.7 percent of the vote.


Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

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5 Questions With Mindy Kaling

June 20, 2018

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Mindy Kaling’s career has only continued skyrocketing since she finished her stint writing for and co-starring in ‘The Office.’ From her eponymous TV show to roles in blockbusters like ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ and ‘Ocean’s 8′ this year, Kaling’s career shows no sign of slowing down. We sat down with the writer, director, memoirist, and comedian to talk about her personal life and her trajectory to success.

1. You got your start in comedy interning for Conan O’Brien. What kinds of grunt work did he have you do?

Oh, just regular intern stuff. Every morning I would get his coffee, bring him a copy of the opening monologue, remind him he had parents, tell him his parents’ names, draw him pictures of his parents, slap him in the face and tell him, “You’re your father’s son, goddamnit,” sort fan mail, that kind of stuff.

2. You’re an Emmy Awardwinning writer, a two-time best-selling author, and have created and starred in your own successful TV show. What’s left for you to accomplish?

My ultimate goal is to get the public to like me so much that everyone will look the other way when I decide to use a wheelchair every now and then despite having perfectly healthy legs. I want to roll my wheelchair down the red carpet, stand up, twirl my dress for the cameras, sit back down in my wheelchair, and then drag it forward with my totally fine legs, and I don’t want anyone to say a single word about whether it’s messed up or not that I’m using a wheelchair just for fun. This is my dream.

3. You’ve claimed to be conservative, but have also denied being a Republican. Would you like to take this moment to clarify your politics for your fans? 

My political beliefs are simple: If you want to own a gun, that’s fine, but you should have to have an abortion before you’re able to buy one.

4. You’ve spent time in both New York and Los Angeles for film projects. Have you enjoyed living in California, or do you miss life in Manhattan?

People in Los Angeles are so self-absorbed. On any given day at Santa Monica Beach, there are thousands of wannabe contraltos singing Tosca and trying to get an opera agent. Every person you meet gives you a signed head shot of them in full-powder makeup, bemoaning the death of their trusted Scarpia, as if you’re going to pass their head shot onto the conductor of the fucking Civic Light Opera. People see Carmen and they move out here with dreams of ruffled shirts and everyone listening to their bassy voice, and almost all of them are going to fail. It’s pathetic. People in New York are just so much more grounded. They just put on little independent productions of La Bohème with their NYU friends at a local bookstore. It just feels more authentic.

5. What’s your relationship with B.J. Novak like now? 

B.J. Novak comes to my house every morning at 5 a.m. wearing a big chef’s hat and looking like he hasn’t slept in years to give me a huge loaf of bread. I keep telling him, “B.J., this is too much bread. I do not want a new loaf every day.” In response, he will simply tip his chef’s hat to me, frown, wink, and say something beautiful like, “Everybody needs bread… and everyone has bread,” before walking off with the bread he’d just brought to me. He’s brought the same loaf every day for a few years now. It is now entirely gray. We’re both super busy these days, but I guess that’s our little way of staying in touch.

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Encouraging Report Shows 45% Of Onion Social Users Survive Beta Testing

June 19, 2018

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PALO ALTO, CA—In a stunning accomplishment that far exceeded the company’s wildest hopes, Onion Social released a report Tuesday revealing that 45 percent of users had survived beta testing. “We easily expected an 80-90 percent mortality rate, so we couldn’t be more thrilled that nearly half of all testers will be able to keep leading what in many cases can still be rich and full lives,” said Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum, telling reporters that the relatively few incidents of brain trauma and internal organ liquefaction at such an early stage meant they would likely be able to move up the site’s launch date. “We certainly still have some kinks to work out—many of our extant users have reported that their blood is no longer clotting, and all of them are now sterile—but 87 percent of survivors indicated that despite the lacerations, they found the platform intuitive, engaging, and simple to use. We actually suspect these numbers would have been even higher if not for the large subsection of testers currently in a catatonic state. At this point, we should be able to get our survival rate up to 75 percent with only a few more trials, and then we’ll be ready to hit the market.” At press time, Rosenbaum had been forced to amend his timetable after witnessing the remaining Onion Social beta testers begin to rot before his eyes.


Interested in joining a social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.

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