Does The World Cup Enforce The False Construct Of Borders Imposed On Us By The Ruling Elite?

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My Mom Is Stalking Me

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Raph’s creepy stalker was taking pictures of him 9 months before he was even BORN.

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Obama Meeting With Contenders For 2020 Election

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Barack Obama has met with Bernie Sanders, Deval Patrick, Elizabeth Warren, and others to offer advice on potential 2020 presidential runs and the future of the Democratic Party. What do you think?

“The guy’s president for eight years and he thinks he knows it all.”

Patrick Prichard • Windmill Tilter

“Of all the things we’re worried about constantly, the 2020 election is my favorite.”

Sal Donovan • Undulation Expert

“Just like liberals, always talking to each other.”

Nancy Patterson • Salt Appraiser

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Scary Campfire Stories for the One-Percent

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Tick, Tock

After months of planning, you make an enormous insider trade just before the markets close. You book a celebratory trip to go vineyard shopping in Bordeaux, but then a call comes in from your wealth management advisor. It turns out your personal assistant forgot to reset your clocks after Daylight Savings and you made the trade an hour early. The market caught on, costing you millions. You have to settle for retirement in Malibu, like a peasant.

The Neighbor

Millennials stop spending all their money on 15-minute pour overs and complicated avocado toast and instead begin investing in PotCoin. Freed from the shackles of poor financial habits, they ascend into the upper class and permeate your gated community. You are forced to fall asleep to the cinematic soundscape of God of War being blasted through your new neighbor’s Dolby Atmos surround sound system.

Someone’s Crying in the Cellar

The world comes to the consensus that expensive wine is overrated. Your fully-stocked, 1,500-square-foot wine cellar loses its monetary and status value, crippling your sense of self-worth. You descend into your cellar, take a swig from a bottle of 1921 Château Margaux, and weep as you arrive at the deflating realization that the world is absolutely right.

The Mutilated Man

On a Saturday filled with exceptionally potent existential dread, you decide to fill your underutilized hot tub with caviar. This leads to an unintended reenactment of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. You suffer a minor talon wound, which serves as a convenient pretense for a third round of plastic surgery. The result is anything but an improvement.

The Incident in the Harbor

While cruising around the bay in your 60′ yacht, you experience an intense interaction between the handful of Ambien and Xanax you took earlier that morning. You try to cry for help from your crew, but thanks to the Ambien, you end up shouting racial slurs through the boat’s loudspeaker. You lose control of the vessel and crash into the breakwater at 30 knots.

Contact

While en route to pick you up for a weekend getaway to Nantucket, your NetJets plane collides with a flock of migrating geese and goes down in flames. For the first time in your life, you have to fly commercial. A man in your security line wearing cargo shorts and Crocs asks you for the time and you collapse from a blood pressure spike.

The Transformation

Due to a new Harvard policy, your youngest son is unable to coast in on the coattails of a new building contribution. He ends up attending Reed, where he tries psilocybin and becomes enamored with the intricacies of West African ritual dance. Left with no other choice, you disown him to save face at Pebble Beach.

Out of Time

You take an afternoon stroll over to the East Hampton Rolex dealer to look for a new timepiece. The sales associate walks you through every model. In horror, you realize that you own every Rolex on the market. There are none left to buy. You spontaneously combust into a cloud of gold flakes.

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(satireworld.com) Walter Bucket Presents: TRUE FACTS……..according to Nopes! #119

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(satireworld.com)

Walter Bucket Presents: TRUE FACTS

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Hey Baby, It’s Me, The Sneeze

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Hey boo thing.

It’s me, baby, The Sneeze. I don’t know how long it’s been since we last did the dirty deed, and I have spent a heartbreaking several minutes aching over your love. But I kept calling and calling because I knew you could not resist me for long, so I’m glad I ran into you.

If I may just say, I can tell you are feeling up to no good. So why don’t you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and let me rock your world? You heard me right; I’m fixing to make you feel things you have never felt before, right when you blast me straight out of your nose and onto this salad bar’s garbanzo beans.

We both got a taste of that hay fever, so let’s get freaky like when we were young and just getting out of the car a moment ago, and do it right here in front of all these people waiting in line behind you. Come on, what are we waiting for?

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Without question, the minutes we’ve been apart have aged you like a fine wine. Please, if you’ll allow me to tell you, I understand and appreciate your maturity. We don’t have to do it on these garbanzo beans. You’re always right: let’s be safe, smart and use protection. Mama always did say, “Use a sneezeguard.” Fine by me—a little less taboo, but, hey, this ain’t my sneeze.

Oh, baby, baby, come on, don’t skip the rest of the salad bar. I was only trying to be safe. No need to pinch your upper lip. Angel face, just slow down; let me explain. The Sneeze is giving you all the leeway you need; I want us to have a little fun, that’s all.

I see what you are doing. You’re skipping the foreplay and going right for the cashier. If you’ll permit me to tell you, I adore the way your mind works. I wasn’t gonna suggest we go at it on Griselda’s apron, but your sniff is my command.

Look at her reach for that loose change. I think I see my cousin Boogey on that quarter. Come on let’s get Boogey in on this ménage-a-snot.

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All right, okay, no cashier. The Sneeze is still here, and The Sneeze is patient my little honey clump. Let’s get cozy and snag a corner booth so I can get frisky with your nose hairs where no one can hear us.

Yes, this one. It’s sensual, just like us. I can tell your mucus membrane isn’t the only brain on you. Just look at that sumptuous, wide-open window. I feel a slight breeze, and I hear a leaf blower coming from up the street. If I catch the right kind of pollen, we can go ten times in a row. Now isn’t that the bee’s sneeze?

Let me tell you something, if you’ll grant me the honor, boo-boo: I can probably provide you with a delectable eighth of an orgasm. So why don’t you quit saying “purple hippopotamus” out loud and succumb to my Siren song? No one will even notice what we did. Nobody has to bless us; we already are.

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Cobb salad already done, I see—we’re taking this thing back to your place, is that what you’re saying?Well-trodd territory as far as you and I go, but as long as I can stay the night, let’s make it nasty on some doorknobs, just like we did 45 minutes ago. Nothing beats a little midnight allergy attack, now does it?

Wait, honey baby, come on now. Don’t contort your face and stretch your eyebrows to stifle The Sneeze like this. Give me a chance!

Please, look, just do me this one solid—Wait. Shit, baby, really?

You wanna do it now, now? Right in front of all these kids? I knew you were dirty, but damn. Whatever you say. Let me—wait. Hold on—so—ah, holy—goo—fu—Here I come, baby, no stoppin’ me now!

‘Tchew!

Damn, that was sexy… Wow.

It felt so wrong not to do it in your elbow, but that is precisely why it felt so damn right. I sincerely hope that was as good for you as it was for me

---

Well listen, my boo thing, I really enjoyed this evening, but, I, uh, don’t think I’m gonna make it back to your place tonight. I hope you don’t mind, but I forgot I have to take care off some stuff. You know.

You have a ride home, right?

All right. So, uh, I’m gonna run.

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Try This Military Workout To Get You Fit And Ready To Take A Bullet For Your Child

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Child At Baseball Game Lost In Forest Of Cargo Shorts, Milky-White Calves

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Plan To Split California Into 3 States Earns Spot On November Ballot

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California voters will have the chance to decide if the state should be split into three separate states in November after a campaign for the division collected enough signatures. What do you think?

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New Report Finds Fastest-Rising Cause Of Death In U.S. Is Losing Chess Match To Grim Reaper

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AUSTIN, TX—Shedding light on the dangers of challenging death, a new report published Friday found that the fastest-rising cause of death in the U.S. is losing a chess match to the Grim Reaper. “After examining recent mortality trends, we have found that the rate at which Americans are dying due to the Grim Reaper defeating them in a game of chess is quickly increasing,” said lead author Drew Campos, explaining that attempting to best the Grim Reaper at the board game on the rocky ocean shore was becoming exponentially more fatal with each passing year. “With this becoming an even greater issue as more people attempt to forestall their own demise by challenging the Reaper, it’s important to pay close attention to the early warning signs of botching one’s opening moves or losing a key bishop. Because by the time you’re led over the hills arm-in-arm in a dance of death, it’s already too late.” Campos also warned that although a small percentage of people end up checkmating death, the Grim Reaper would be back for them.

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